how to be something you miss
by mirajens
Summary: the dregs of a first love taste so cruel (gray/mira, gray/lucy, laxus/mira)


**note** : title is from a taylor swift song lmao if u never see me again then she has sued me for everything im worth

* * *

 _ **how to be something you miss**_

 _ **.**_

 _ **.**_

 **One.**

There was numbness to be found in the slap of skin against skin, and the warmth and depth of a woman. It was the first time in months that Gray sought solace in the touch of another person, never knew until now how much he needed that heat and frenzy. He was glad for how the most basic human instinct made him feel so much, yet not enough at the same time.

The woman in front of him might as well be nameless. She hadn't asked for his name when he convinced her to come home with him, so he extended to her the same courtesy. And yet, that didn't deter Gray from losing himself in the sensation of her, fucking into her from behind, watching the moonlight wash the blonde of her hair into silver. If he didn't remember why he had chosen her in particular to get into his bed, then he knew now. The sight of it made Gray feel raw as he conjured up memories he so perilously wanted buried, memories of a sweet laugh, bright eyes and a carefree demeanor. Fuck, fuck, he missed her. This was a fucking mistake, but it felt just like trying to survive.

He pistoned his hips faster, a desperate rhythm to match the pounding of his heart. The woman came, trembling before him and arching her back inwards, the display of it so delicious that Gray was tempted into sinking his teeth into the curve of her shoulder. Release felt like oblivion. Blissed out of his mind and still reeling from whisky, Gray fell into a sound slumber, dreaming of _Mira, Mira, Mira._

When he woke the next morning, he found the stranger's calling card on his nightstand. Lucy A. Heartfilia, LL.B. Under her name, listed her contact information. He debated throwing it in the bin, but decided against it.

* * *

 **two.**

The thing about first love was that it was a son of a bitch of a thing.

Growing up, Gray never fancied himself as the type of person to invest his heart and soul in someone who could very well decide one day that they wanted nothing to do with him anymore. It just seemed foolish to him, this love business. Islands were beautiful because they depended on nothing to flourish. To have to surrender emotional autonomy felt so unnecessary but that was exactly what had happened, wasn't it? When Mirajane came into his life, she stayed there even though he never saw her anymore. She was there in every bright corner of his mind, every lonely night, every second thought. The last time he'd seen her, she'd come to his door in the dead of night, still angry that he'd left her, but not enough that she couldn't fuck him.

A part of Gray wanted to chase her out of his thoughts. God knew he tried to drink and fuck her out of his system but a bigger part of him wanted to hoard memories of her and eternally savor the heartbreak he brought on himself. Aside from how the thought of moving on scared him, it wasn't like he'd know where to start, anyway. He was a base sort of creature. He didn't understand the brave new world of healing.

Still, he called Lucy. She was funny and without the angst he so loved to wallow in. It made him nervous to finally, formally ask her out on a first date after weeks of shameless booty calling but his trepidation disappeared when she suggested he accompany her to a birthday party of a friend instead of the typical dinner and movies.

"Your idea of a first date is introducing me to all your closest friends?" He joked. "Ballsy."

"Just wait for the second date. I plan on taking you home to my parents so you can ask for my hand. I'm not moving too fast, am I?"

Her sarcastic tone made him bark with laughter. It made him just a little bit nervous to push through. "I'll have to go dig up my mother's ring, then. So, tomorrow?"

"Yes. Nine o-clock. I don't want to arrive before everyone's drunk or else no one will pressure you to make an honest woman out of me. I'm on a strict timeline here. Eggs drying up and all."

"Right. I'll make sure to poke holes in the condoms. I'll text you before picking you up."

Lucy's house was Big. It was the kind of Big that screamed old money with its trimmed hedges, tall turrets, and winding driveway. Gray felt only a touch uncomfortable in his old Civic. Not for once, he wondered how he managed to fish way out of his league. He didn't really have much to offer outside of physicality.

He didn't have much time to take in the grand estate or indulge his blossoming insecurity before Lucy jumped into the passenger's seat and gave him a sheepish grin.

"I thought you gave me the GPS for a cemetery so you and your rich kin could ambush me, or something," Gray said.

"Hey! My family and I only practice cannibalism during full moons, I'll have you know." Despite her joke, she blushed. "Sorry. It's a bit much. This is why I wanted to meet at your place."

Gray drove back towards the tall iron gates. "And rob me of the opportunity to see the mansion I'm gonna inherit when I kill you on our wedding night? Now fucking way."

Lucy laughed at that. Gray thought that things might not be so bad if he could make a pretty girl laugh.

"So, rich girl, where's the party?"

* * *

 **three.**

The party was thankfully in the dumpier residential neighborhood of the university town where Lucy's friend taught law prerequisites.

Wine bottle in hand, and Lucy's in the other, they climbed the creaky steps to the third floor together.

"Am I gonna be surrounded by you lawyers the whole night? Cause I gotta tell you right now, I don't think I'll be able to keep up. I didn't know Roe versus Wade wasn't a boxing match up until last month."

"Don't worry. I promise you there will be no stuck up intellectuals here tonight. In fact, I can guarantee nothing other than dumbassery."

Lucy squeezed his hand before she knocked. To Gray's surprise, a familiar red-head opened the door.

"Erza?" he squawked the same time Lucy said, "Happy birthday!"

Lucy turned to him. "You two know each other?"

It was Erza who spoke up. "More or less." She ripped her gaze off Gray to smile at Lucy. "Come in. My step brother is here, so if you brought drugs, you might want to keep them keistered."

"Laxus is a cop," Lucy supplied for Gray.

He remembered Laxus Dreyar from when he and Erza were still in highschool. Eileen got married out of the blue and suddenly, Erza had an absent step-father and a brooding step-brother who scowled when he saw Gray coming over and spending whole afternoons in their house. Laxus had deemed himself too cool to hang out with kids so he had sneered at Gray and Erza's antics. Briefly, Gray wondered when along the way Erza and Laxus mended their strained relationship.

"Anyway, we have the bar in the kitchen. Snacks went extinct an hour ago but were calling for pizza soon." With one last cold look at Gray, Erza excused herself.

"Want to go get some beer?" Lucy asked.

Gray swallowed the lump in his throat. If this was Erza's birthday, her best friend was bound to be around. Gray scanned the scattered groups of people for a head of white, spotted immediately. Erza was whispering something to Mirajane and both of them were looking in his direction. He already knew that Erza was warning Mirajane and asking if she wanted him thrown out.

"Actually, would you excuse me? I have to make a call," Gray said.

Lucy nodded, already in touch with how the rest of the partygoers buzzed with happy energy. "Okay. I'll be mingling around. Find me after."

Before cowardice could swallow him alive, Gray made his feet march him over to Mirajane. Erza scowled but backed away just before Gray could approach. He didn't fault Erza her disdain. She'd always been a loyal thing. Despite Gray knowing Erza a whole lot longer, Erza had bonded with Mirajane more. And it probably didn't help that she'd been caught in the middle of Gray and Mirajane's breakup, watching powerless as they tore at each other.

Gray thought back to the last time he saw Mirajane. She had looked like she was both frozen in fear and on the precipice of telling him to fuck off at the same time.

"Hey, Mira," he said in greeting to relieve the climbing tension of the moment. Around them, people milled, oblivious to the darkening mood.

He hadn't seen Mirajane in months, and to a lovesick heart, that managed to seem like both an eternity and a minute ago. The sight of her still packed a punch, still gave Gray snakes in his gut.

"Hi," she said back, her tone lacking the reservation and trepidation he expected from her. In fact, she seemed kind. Tipsy. Either. Both. It made something goofy like hope swell in Gray. "I didn't think I'd see you here tonight."

 _Or else you wouldn't have come here?_ "Erza didn't invite me. I, uh, came as someone's plus one." He couldn't bear to call himself someone's date. Not in front of Mira. A big, foolish part of him still held on to the chance that she'd come back to him if he kept himself available. What a wretched realization.

"Oh?" Mira's tongue lingered on the syllable. Gray began to wonder just how drunk she was. "You still know how to make me jealous." When she laughed, Gray felt the last two remaining brain cells in his head overheat and wither.

"What? I'm not-" He exhaled, to compose himself. Definitely fucking drunk. Hammered, if they way she looked at him as if she wanted to devour him was anything to go by. "You're wasted. Shut up."

"Am not," Mira insisted. "Maybe a bit. But it doesn't change the fact that I miss you." _I've been thinking about you since you left._ "Don't you miss me, Gray?" When Mirajane stepped towards him, close enough that he could smell the peach scent from her skin, but not enough that they looked out of place in a crowd of randy, young adults.

"I-I don't know."

"You don't know?." Mirajane parroted. She grabbed his hand, hidden between their bodies. "Why don't we go find out if you do?"

Fed up, aching, and miserable, Gray lead her out of the living area until he found doors at the end of the hallway. It was just his luck that the first one he opened was to a bathroom. He bullied Mira inside before turning the lock behind him. More to detest himself for when the morning light shone. But now, now was for reflecting back the lust in Mirajane's eyes.

"You just can't stop fucking with me, can you?" Gray snarled. His hands held her cheeks gently, a sharp contrast to his severe expression. "You always gotta be turning my life on its head just when I think I'm done with you." His thumb swiped over her plump bottom lip, slick with cherry red lipgloss, begging to be kissed.

Flush against the vanity, Mirajane looked up at him and gave back as much heat as she received. "You like it." Her hand found him easily, and she fondled until his nostrils flared. "You're so fucking transparent, as always."

Gray shook his head. "Turn around."

That was a defeat, if she ever heard one. Mira made sure to flash him a smug little smirk before she showed him her back. Drunk Mirajane was always ruthless. It was so fucking easy to fall back into that vitriol with her, just like the last time. Gray put a hand between her shoulder blades and pressed until she bent over the sink. Mirajane felt him lift the hem of her skirt, revealing lace and the pert ass he loved. No matter how bitter he looked, he soldiered on. With little shame, Mirajane watched him work through their reflection, feeling that thrill for madness that was like a home he'd built for her. She watched him unzip his jeans, pull himself out, stroke the body of him until he was gasping, all while he laid his reverent touch on her butt, fondling the plump skin of it as if his dream would cease if he did too much.

Mirajane slipped her hand between her legs and touched herself to the rhythm of his fist descending on his dick. Before she could even begin to feel good, Gray stiffened, shuddered, then blew his load all over her panties. He always was sloppy when he was emotional. Mirajane tried not to resent him for it. Clandestine handies weren't supposed to be great.

"Shit," Gray huffed.

Mirajane rolled her eyes. She slipped the soiled underwear off, wiped the rest of him off her with some rough toilet paper, then fixed her skirt when she was sure she was clean. She took Gray's hand and deposited the soggy lace on it.

"Keep it. Maybe it'll inspire you to last longer for your Miss Plus One."

There was a quick swell and fade of the party noise when Mirajane slipped out of the bathroom like a well-practiced cat burglar. Gray cleaned himself up and took a minute to tell himself that he was fine, that the pain behind his ribs would go away soon, and that yes, he _could_ breathe.

With a pocketful of lace and shame and no regard for Lucy, Gray shouldered his way out of Erza's apartment.

* * *

 **four.**

It was close to three AM when the front door of his home sounded. His grip around the neck of a Jack loosened. He very much contemplated waiting until the knocker just bugged off but he had sensitive neighbors who surely wouldn't appreciate the crude banging at such an ungodly hour. Clicking his tongue, Gray jumped out of the bed and made haste in answering the door.

It was a blank-faced Lucy who stood on his doorstep. Gray stepped aside wordlessly to let her in. He had hoped that Lucy would be the bigger person and just disregard him as yet another of society's dickheads and ghost him just like he did her earlier. But the universe never felt compelled to do kindness to him in any day, so he watched Lucy situate herself on the bed, eyes trained at him, cooly.

"Hi, asshole. I think you forgot something at the party." Her bitter tone suggested it was _her_. "Want to explain yourself?"

 _Not particularly._ Gray was too drunk, too weary to do that, anyway. "You mean your pal Erza didn't fill you in yet?"

Lucy crossed her arms. "I thought you might like the chance to explain your side of the story. Erza didn't have many cute things to say about you."

 _So that was a yes._ Gray scoffed. He debated finding a shirt to put on, since it was getting chilly when he wasn't plying his body with booze, but as it was, his current mantra was _why bother?_ "I thought you got the impression that I wasn't much of a talker. You know, from when we fucked for weeks and I never bothered to ask for your name?"

He thought that would at least make her flinch. Gray was a pro at pushing them away when they tried to get too close. But Lucy was used to facing much worse. He should have known she wouldn't flinch easy.

"Erza told me you saw your ex at the party. It's a little dramatic to leave just because of that, don't you think? Not to mention childish. You do know you're not in high school anymore, right?"

 _Saw her? I think you missed the part when I came on her ass, too._ "Fuck off, Lucy."

Lucy rose and stepped into his personal space. It seemed he wasn't the only one who loaded up on liquid courage. Lucy smelled like cheap beer and chicken grease, underlined by her perfume. "Do you still love her?"

Gray mirrored her, stepping even closer so they were chest to chest and he could look down on her. "I said, fuck off."

"You do! You must, for you to rabbit like that." Her hand smoothed up his torso, softness that he didn't deserve or want right now. "You know, I don't like men with baggage."

Gray snarled even though he could feel heat simmering under his skin where her fingers trailed. "Then here's a novel idea: leave me alone."

Lucy looked nonplussed. "But you're an excellent lay. I suppose I can make an exception tonight."

Gray caught her hand before it could caress the skin of his shoulder. "I don't want your pity fuck."

"No? You've welcomed yourself to fucking me while you thought of a woman who doesn't love you anymore. Is there anything more pitiful of a fuck than that?"

There was no joyful warmth in Lucy's eyes tonight. She was pure ice, which suited Gray's mood. Something about spiteful women made his blood sing. When he bent to kiss her, she only gave back harder. Meaner.

"What's her name?"

"Mira."

"Mira." Lucy tested it on her tongue. Hearing it made Gray throb. "Do I look like her? Is that why you chose me?"

 _Not even close._ "It doesn't matter."

"I'll take that as a no." Lucy pushed Gray until his back was on the bed. She straddled him, then picked her dress up by the hem and peeled it from her body. The light clung to her curves and illuminated her hair. _Close enough,_ Gray thought.

"You can close your eyes, if you want. If that makes this easier. I won't get offended."

When Lucy slithered down his body, unsnapped his jeans and took him into her mouth, Gray let his lids fall over his eyes and behind them, he could imagine a head of white, and skin kissed by moonlight.

* * *

 **five.**

He never saw Lucy again after that night.

In an act of uncharacteristic desperation, Gray even tried calling the office line she had on her card but he always went straight to voicemail and she never got back to him. He never tried again.

Gray thought, he truly deserved loneliness. He had a perfectly good girl willing to give him a shot and he blew it by getting caught up in the past. Lucy was good for him, and it didn't take losing her to know that. But he was still plagued by longing and it wasn't fair for Lucy to put up with that.

He'd have his memories of her humor, the mind blowing sex, and that scent of Jasmine in his head. Some days, they were enough to crowd out the ghost of Mirajane. Most days, he still dreamt of snow-white hair amalgamating with Lucy's flaxen. He was back to square one with pining, only this time there were two girls in his mind now, more fodder for his spank bank and angst.

It was better this was, probably. He could spend the rest of his life craving meaningful relationships while never making the effort to build any.

* * *

 **six.**

It was the sound of the bar door slamming that woke Gray up.

His puffy, red eyes squinted at the direction of the establishment's entrance and immediately he saw Mirajane, a mess of bed hair, pillow marks on her cheeks, and a lot of irritated energy. She wore pajama bottoms tucked into Uggs and a fur-lined jacket zipped up to her chin, the size of it nowhere near fitted to her petite frame.

The bartender pointed at Gray. Mira's angry gaze landed on him, loaded with judgement that made shame cut through his thick skin of inebriation. She went back to talking to the bartender and after a while, with lips pursed thin, handed over her debit card to pay off his tab.

While the bartender settled Gray's dues, Mirajane approached. Gray remembered calling her some time after the too manieth shot; her number was still on speed dial despite the months since they'd broken up. He remembered just wanting to hear her voice, just like an infantile desire to feel a mother's warmth.

Mirajane sat on the chair in front of him, saying nothing as she studied him. He didn't think he could face her after that mess in Erza's bathroom. The situation left much to be desired. Briefly, he wondered if they would fuck again, tonight.

"How did you know where I am?" Gray finally asked, because the way she looked at him made his skin crawl just a little.

"I still have you on Find My Friends." She bit her lip and tapped her fingers on the table. She looked like she didn't know what to tell him. He supposed he didn't have much to say to her, either. Nothing appropriate now that he was sober, anyway.

"Do you have your car?" Mirajane asked.

"No, I took the bus."

"Come on, then." She offered her hand. "I'll take you home."

He took her hand even though he didn't need the help. It truly felt wretched eating whatever scrap she tossed his way.

They collected her card before making their way to her car, haphazardly parked in front of the bar. He'd missed seeing her shitty, little Beetle.

She finally dropped his hand to unlock her door. He joined her, thankful for the subtle warmth of her car's interior.

When he sat down, Mirajane reached over and did his seatbelt for him, as if he was an addled child. Her hair fell in a curtain in front of his face and he didn't even have to try very hard to smell that flowery shampoo on her.

"Thanks, Mira." And he didn't mean for buckling him up.

Mirajane seemed to get it. She flexed her fingers on the wheel. "You know, I'm dating someone new now, Gray."

His hurt was perfectly hidden behind a derisive scoff. "No kidding. That jacket is so not your style." Gray levelled her with a look. "I can't imagine what he thinks of you coming here. I didn't ask you to."

"Do you even _remember_ calling me?"

Oh, yeah he did. Enough that he remembered telling her what a mess he was without her, that hearing Manilow on the jukebox reminded him of her, that he hadn't put anything on her side of the closet yet. Pathetic, really. But he never asked her to come fetch him.

"You said you wanted to see me," she reminded him.

Yeah, that was true. Pathetic was just right. He was such a slob post-tequila. "I didn't know you were in the service of granting wishes. Especially to me. To drunk me." He really should stop talking. He felt the mania bubbling in his gut. "Is your boyfriend pissed that you came here?"

"No." There were lines between Mira's brows now. "He told me to do what I wanted to do."

"And is this what you wanted? To see me humiliate myself?"

Mirajane sighed instead of answering. She never did like arguing with him. She revved the engine and backed out into the street.

As she drove to Gray's neighborhood, he basked in her terse silence. Things unsaid, and all that nasty shit. He was sick of it. He wished she'd just tell him what she wanted to. God knew there were sharp words just on the tip of her tongue. Why couldn't they have a straight conversation? She'd been bashed at Erza's and he'd been desperate. Now, he was drunk and she was trying to pretend she hadn't made that same mistake of going into the bathroom with him.

When she pulled up at their old apartment, she spoke before he could get out of her car.

"You need to stop calling me, Gray. I'm trying to make this new relationship work, you know? I'd appreciate it if you left me alone."

He looked over at her and watched her face. Genuine worry bloomed over her expression and her knuckles were pale around the steering wheel. She looked like she was ready to bolt the second he began talking about his feelings again. Sober Mira wasn't anything like Drunk Mira, who was cruel and cold.

He found he couldn't promise her anything. "Good night, Mira," he said instead, before swiftly ducking out of her car and sprinting to the complex's doors.

* * *

 **seven.**

Laxus was still awake by the time Mirajane came back. He looked up from his phone the moment he heard the locks tumbling, just in time to witness Mira unzip his coat and dump it with her keys on his foyer table.

Mira crawled into bed with him wordlessly. Laxus immediately noticed the puffiness of her eyes and the redness of her nose. He put his phone down on the nightstand.

"Rough night, kid?" He smoothed a hand through her immaculate hair. Even in just pajamas, she was still an awe-inspiring sight. "Did he say something bad to you?"

What he really wanted to ask was, _Why did you go to him tonight? Did seeing him again make you want to be foolish again? Did you two disappear into a bathroom like Jellal saw you did at the party? Did he profess his love to you? Did_ you _? Why are you in my bed when your tears over another man hasn't even dried yet?_

But he held his tongue and held her tight instead, so close he could easily breathe in the scents that clung to her skin.

He wasn't sure if he was in love with Mirajane. It was too early to be able to tell. All he knew was that he wasn't so willing to step aside for a ghost of a man.

"I'm just so tired of it, Laxus."

"Then why do you keep seeing him?"

When Mirajane didn't answer, Laxus sighed. "Do you want me to beat him up for you, or something?"

Mirajane shook her head. She just wanted to sleep in Laxus' bed and not doubt her right to be there. She never wanted to hear from Gray again, and then run to him just because it was easy, and then _consider_. Being with him was like inhaling toxic fumes, and Mirajane knew that she needed to quit him and put her love in the man who was good for her.

Mirajane rolled away from Laxus, giving him her back. Laxus clicked the lamp off, cutting out the room's only illumination.

Mirajane remained mute, and she heard Laxus' sigh again. "Go to sleep, Mira."

* * *

 **note:** I miss Fairy Tail. My muse for it kind of dried up, but I hope its not a permanent thing.


End file.
